Formal Flip Flops

These do not exist.

Stop wearing flip flops with formal wear because your wimpy baby feet hurt in the heels you're supposed to be wearing. The ones you chose to wear. That's right, you big baby. Woman up and walk in them like you own it, the whole time, or start buying more sensible dress shoes - 'cause flip flops and cocktail numbers do not mix.

I will dance my butt off in bleeding, blistered feet before I take off my chosen heels. With a poker face. With laughing. And cabbage patching. I might cry a little bit in the bathroom, but I'll walk back out in control, with my heels firmly on (possibly stuck due to blood).

Look, wearing heels is a statement about style and fashion, about gender and femininity, about history, about sex, and about how you want to express any or all of this, so make the statement - or don't - but don't make it and then retract it. That's what they call flip-flopping. See what I did there? Ha-ha-ha! Speaking of gender, why don't men regularly slip out of their dress shoes (they can hurt too) and into sandals mid-event? Because it's not manly? Not stylish? Because it's tacky? Yea, all those things. So why are the ladies doing it?

Taking your pretty heels off because you can't take the pain makes any one of the following statements, none of which you'd want to make:

"My feet are actually those of a hobbit and I tried to squeeze them into these wee human shoes! Silly me!"

"I tried to be a big girl. I'm not ready yet."

"But everyone is doing it...look at all these women with their gnarly dogs out - well ME TOO! Let's dance it out with our toes out, girls!"

"I am sixteen, going on seventeen... ♫ "

"At midnight, I turn back into a troll. My feet start earlier, however."

Certainly there are some situations in which exceptions may be made:

1. Beach or country field weddings - I get it. Stupid to navigate these locations in heels (and also curse the people hosting them). I also expect the attire to be casual (sun dresses and such) making sandals a natural part of the whole thing. I have no beef here.

2. You have to suddenly run for your life. In this situation, take those heels off and go - why are you pausing to put on flip flops?

3. A broken heel. First, ask if anyone in the crowd is a cobbler and can repair it on the spot. Cobblers are rare these days, but you should still try. If not, find out if there's an open shoe store nearby (NOT a drug store that stocks flip flops) - dash out quickly and replace your shoes. Failing this, you may remove your shoes for the remainder of the event. You might even be a able to borrow flip flops from one of those women who packs them in her purse like tampons*.  Consider staying put at your table the rest of the event, you nasty ragamuffin.

*Yea, about this. There exist flip flops made specifically to be tucked into your formal clutch, to be whipped out when you are ready to give up as a woman for the night.

4. You have to do it because you're in the bridal party and that's what they're doing. Ugh, I'm really sorry. You can try to approach the bride about it, but this is a sensitive situation. You're probably not getting much of a say in your dress or your hair either, so the whole thing is likely beyond saving anyway. Probably just go with it - at least all of you will look terrible from the knees down. It's just one day, so try to put it behind you.

Now that I've convinced you, decide what statement you want to make. If it's a badass heels statement, like I'm hoping, but you're worried about keeping yourself together for the whole event, I've got few tips that can help. The assumption here is that your shoes fit properly and you can walk well in them (walking well in heels is another show). If those criteria aren't met, then back to the shoe store you go.

These tips are helpful, but they are not magical - there is always the potential for pain, but enduring will make you proud and you'll be so amazingly badass in your heels:

1. Start hydrating well a couple days before. If you're prone to a little bloating, your feet will suffer first. Drink enough water so that you're peeing all the damn time.

2. Pre-emptive ibuprofen. Take a couple before you go. These will take the edge off when the balls of your feet start screaming and your skin starts separating.

3. Your date/spouse/friend is an excellent secret physical support. Use him or her sort of like a human cane - but don't limp or you'll give it away!

4. A couple of drinks will help numb your tootsies.

5. A couple more will help you not care that they're turning purple. Keep dancing!

There's always time for flip flops tomorrow. Heels are special - wear our best ones for special days...so treat them that way and don't give in to the flip flopped foolishness!