A Low Point

You know I'm some  kind of kick-ass mom all the time, right? I have a stellar career, keep my house sparkling clean, and cook balanced, delicious meals every day. I work out, don't buy sugar, wear branded yoga pants and sip wine while laughing with my other beautiful and accomplished mom friends. We all have our teeth whitened by the same dentist. Isn't that so funny? My child is gifted and speaks four languages, and is going to calculus camp next summer. I volunteer in my ample spare time, read the latest best-sellers on my bi-monthly weekend spa retreats, and have a perfect marriage. I am not aging. Somehow my body is more nimble and responsive to exercise with each passing year. My laundry room has a chandelier in it.

Choose two of the above - at any given time, that's the reality of things most days. Some days it's just one.

Now you know that I have good intentions and big dreams. Who doesn't want custom lighting in their laundry room? Fabulous.
Despite my delusions, I think I'm doing ok overall. It feels like most days, I'm keeping it together and actually having fun. The mom thing hasn't grown old yet (I guess that's a good thing since he's only eight) and there have been situations when I was pretty pleased with my parenting and the outcome. A little bit of smug mommy-ness.

There are also times when I'm not so proud. Like last week. His Great-Grandpa gave him a $5 bill, and not two hours later, I let him spend it on this plastic turd. This turd who seems to be having a difficult bowel movement himself. Dammit, I was tired. He was elated to find this turd. I was weak...and tired.

The thing is, this gross little lump isn't the whole story. You might also be wondering what the sword and gear it's wearing are about. I'm sorry, but I don't know. He was so impatient and begged me to open the packaging on the floor of DSW, when all I really wanted to do was pretend to be child free for 2 seconds and try on some cute shoes. The shredded outer box, printed with what I'm sure is a fascinating back story - or name, or just an explanation of some sort - is in a trash bin at the DSW in Middletown.

Remember I said this thing isn't the whole story? Yea, there's a littler guy. Meet Son of Turd:

This was a two-piece set of plastic, angry turds. At $3.94, this is a bargain. The turd-baby is visibly upset. Really angry with fists shaking. Maybe it's because he doesn't have a sword and protective gear? Or maybe because he's just the little squirt? Ugh, sorry, that was a gross analogy. Napoleon complex is what I was getting at. Perhaps the anger is because he lives in the shadow of his turd-father.

The next day, I spotted the duo on the dining room table, where he'd been posing them and laughing-because what's funnier than action figure turds with faces? While I couldn't take back my disastrous lapse in uh...what? What would that be lapse be in? Vigilant toy purchase approval? Basic judgement? I don't know, but while I couldn't take back letting my child buy a plastic poop duo with money my sweet grandfather, his sweet Great-Grandpa, gave him, I could at least get these things off the damned dining room table! I posed them carefully on his bookshelf. Yes, I admit it, I did it carefully and with some thought. You gotta get the angles right and they are pretty funny. And gross.

I am the perfect houseguest and how to achieve this

I'll be traveling for work next week and staying with my lovely colleague (truly, she's got some sick model bone structure features which I envy) and her husband and their 2 kitties at their home. It's not that my employer couldn't spring for a hotel - nope - she just lives 10 minutes from the convention center and insisted that a hotel was just not good enough. Of course, she's right - and who am I to refuse hospitality from an urbane local with a car - and a red car at that. Plus, she's Italian. Really, the total package.

I'm preparing my rider for her. Yes, like a contract rider...like no brown M&Ms Van Halen style rider. Look, I'm easy to accommodate, but let's face it - even the most laid back houseguest can be ruffled by an unprepared host. Houseguest contracts are going to be the new IT thing. You'll be adding templates for them to your Pinterest board, next to the DIY towel monogramming tutorial. I'm keeping you on trend here.

It will be printed with organic, soy-based inks on my personal letterhead, which is made from fair-trade certified hemp fibers, woven by industrious and sustainably raised ants, and also scented. I know...the scent...it's an impressive detail. It's all about the details.

While I won't bore you with all the legalese parts, I will share with you some of my simple demands requests. Feel free to use them to guide your own houseguest rider. Your host will be really appreciative of your thoughtfulness and sincere expectation that everything goes according to plan...because a happy house guest makes everyone happy for the entire stay. And this is the host's job.

• Freshly cut and arranged flowers (NO carnations) are to adorn the entryway, and any room the guest may enter. 
• Furniture - anywhere the houseguest may sit, furniture must be arranged according to feng-shui principles, with consideration for natural and flattering lighting bathing the houseguest at all times. 
• Soft music is to be played in the bathrooms. Only the softest toilet paper on the market is acceptable.
• Towels (only organic unbleached cotton) must be rolled, not folded, and arranged a the foot of the houseguest's bed. Houseguest will require 12 fresh towels per day.
• Bedding and mattress should be brand new, with tags, and a minimum of 1200 thread count. 
• Kitchen should be stocked with champagne, for houseguest to drink 2 sips of and dump the rest, as well as local, cave-aged artisinal cheeses, and out of season, expensive fruits. Presentation is to be considered at all times.
• Host should insist that the houseguests feel free to break or throw any item which may unexpectedly be in the path of the houseguest.
• Host should set her alarm to rise every 90 minutes during the night to check on houseguest's quality of sleep, her ambient temperature, and, upon the pre-agreed time, wake her gently with the aroma of any one of these coffees brewing.   
• Careless spills, rips, shatters, and general destructive behaviors on the part of the houseguest should not only be looked over, but the host should be apologetic for her house being so conducive to said destruction.  The host shall laugh, and encourage the houseguest to continue to 'make herself at home' for the duration of the stay.

So, if you're hosting, don't let this example intimidate you - use it to be a better host...what goes around comes around, and you'll be the houseguest next time around! When you are, don't forget to mail out your scented rider about a day before your arrival, to give your host plenty of time to prepare...after all, a little courtesy goes a long way.