The Puffin Identity

Puffins are adorable birds that became endangered because of fierce and cruel hunting by assholes during the 1800s. One of the most endangered groups were the Atlantic Puffins, who nest in the rocks and coastal islands off Maine. This is where my history and ornithological lesson ends, but you can read more here if you're so inclined. Spoiler alert - the puffins are coming back thanks to conservation efforts by Audobon and other wildlife preservation programs.

Ever have Barbara's brand cereal, Puffins? Delicious. I was reading the back of the box this morning and they have a puffin adoption program. I'm not here to promote this - truly - read on.

If you save up and send in 15 upc/box tops, you can adopt and name your very own puffin for a year, and Barbara's makes a donation to the preservation project. You can adopt up to 5 puffins a year this way. That's a lot of pricey cereal if you ask me, but, no one really asks me. I know what you're thinking: well, they should! I know, right?! Thanks!

Not unlike sponsoring a child from a third world country, you get a picture of your puffin along with its history, likes and dislikes, dating rituals (choice of mates, they call it - little black book, I call it), a certificate, and so on. So I'm thinking this is very cute. Then, I re-read it. Name it for a year. A year.

So many questions. Why just a year? What happens to your adopted puffin at the end of the year? Do they take its name tag away? Is that little puffin now an unsponsored, nameless beaky thing once more? Do they get new names from new sponsors? Isn't that confusing for the puffins and everyone involved? Are you notified when your year is up, so you can renew? This is just getting weird and complicated! Do they make actual name tags? Is there a ceremony? I cannot consider adopting a Puffin without knowing the name I give it will stick for good. I had to find out more.

I called the company today and talked with someone from marketing. I'm not kidding. To sound more stable, I told her I was calling for my eight year old son who demanded these answers...I'm just calling on his behalf, of course. He's very curious about the fate of the adopted puffins, you can understand, right? He's eight, I mean, hah hah, yes, oh these kids. The things we do for them, amirite?! 
She totally bought it. While she was very pleasant, she didn't know why there's a year expiration on the name. Maybe, she speculated, there are just not enough Puffins to go around for each to have a one-time name. But then she said that was probably not it. Up the food chain I go.

The next person introduces herself as the Director of Marketing. Wow. I'm impressed with how quickly this has escalated in my favor.  She's lovely and really gets my questions (which are my son's questions, of course but she also isn't sure why there's a year expiration. No one has ever asked, she told me. Really? That's surprising!

Not at all surprising, I often get that response. Then again, how many people are calling cereal headquarters demanding answers about puffin adoption limits?

She took my information and is going to contact the Doctor who runs the preservation program and find out the deal on this year limit thing. Ha! I am very excited to hear back, and I'll report back once I do. In the meantime, I'm thinking I'll have to pony up and donate after hassling them, so long as that Puffin's name goes down in the books, forever.