It's a Crock

One day I will kill someone with their own crockpot. Mark my words. Or probably don't. I'd hate to be incriminated in some freak Rival incident in the midwest.The heavy insert part could split a skull though. Think about that next time you handle one. Maybe keep it by your bedside at night. Your unassuming ceramic peace maker.

Some days, my Facebook feed is overrun with slow cooker recipe shares, most of which sound terrible. Like stoner with crazy munchies terrible. Yes, even with the pretty picture of the seared and caramelized food - you all know that nothing that ever came out of a crock pot looks like that, right? NOTHING. It's a lie and it makes me crazy. Are you one of the offenders? Are you? You are contributing to my descent into madness.

Sure, crockpots have their place in home cookery, but that's my point - they have their place. That place is pretty specific, with not a lot of room for expansion, and particularly expansion into my social media life. Yeah, I own a crockpot. I use it a few times a year for specific purposes (long, slow, moist heat required stuff - admittedly convenient for that sort of thing). But if you took my crockpot away, I'd be all, "Sweet. More cabinet space." Zero craps given.

If crockpots were the the magical savior of all home cooks, from the stressed stay at homes to the stressed workers, with seemingly endless possibilities, then why do we still use ovens and pans and skillets? To my knowledge, no one has replaced their appliances with one giant slow cooker. Do restaurants offer crockpot meals? I don't know of any...do you? If they do, it's either a moving target hot thing in the city - you'll never get a table and by the time you do it's so over - or, it's on the menu at that diner on True Blood.

Oh, the recipes...precious. There's the usual offenders - easy cheesy this (always cheese), and super easy that. More recent ones include 'paleo' and 'clean' versions for the healthy crockpotter's repertoire.

So check this one: Crockpot Lasagna - I just...well...are you fucking kidding me? No. Just no. And let's all think for a second: the 'labor intensive' part of lasagna, assuming you don't make the noodles and the sauce, is assembly - which you'll need to do in a crockpot too. The difference here is letting it cook-mush to death all day long in a small, steamy vessel, versus baking it for about an hour in the oven. You can even do the assembly ahead of time, just like a crockpot! For real! And the clean up? About the same. There is no need to destroy a simple dish like this, in a crockpot because the work is the same (it usually is for most of the recipes) and the outcome is better when you make it conventionally. Actually, nothing Italian is to be made in a crockpot...at least if you have any dignity. Challenge me on this, I dare you.

Notice also that so many of these recipes contain the word "Easy"...'cause nothing gets people excited like magical, non-engaged cooking. I'm not saying you need to be doing anything complex, ever. Really, you can make stupid-easy and delicious things, quickly - barely paying any attention whatsoever - without a crockpot. You can also make complex all-day stuff that isn't very actively involved at all without a crockpot. We all know this. Right?

I don't understand the Crockpotting of America™ movement. I blame the internets of course. Is it because you can leave the thing on all day and not worry about a fire? Is it the Easy Cheesy Chicken Fiesta? The Beer Chicken Explosion?  Help me not assault anyone with a crockpot, America.