Dirty post

It's disturbing to me when I witness an inadequate hand washing in a public bathroom. It seems like I spot one regularly. Maybe I'm just too observant? Maybe I think that on some level, I am the hand-washing police. Well, not the police because then I could make an arrest or write a ticket in the bathroom, so maybe more of a secret hand-washing spy. I don't know why, but I do know that too many women - and presumably, men (because as you might have guessed, I don't use public men's rooms) are terrible at this simple thing. Really, it will make you shudder.

I'm not a germaphobe. I don't have to be because I wash my hands right - it's a basic line of protection, and in most circumstances, about all a person needs. If you don't know the right way to wash your hands, look it up, you filthy monster! I'm not here to teach you basics you should have picked up as a productive adult in a westernized country with modern plumbing.

I'm here to talk about some dirty, dirty people. The stuff I've witnessed that has turned me into a super judgmental public restroom user - are there any of my kind out there? Let's compare notes sometime.

I've compiled for you the types I see most often. Let's start with the other end extreme first, though:

The Surgeon: This one is simply the overachiever. Usually it's a slick mom-type with children in tow, or, she may be a medical professional outside of this bathroom situation, or both. She is definitely wearing a ponytail, but it's not a rushed one. It's thoughtful and took 45 minutes. She flushed the toilet with her foot (ok, fine, I do that too) and opened the stall without using her hands somehow (telekenesis?), which are held up firmly at 90 degrees, away from her body. She stands a foot or more from the sink so that her body and clothes do not have a chance of brushing the edge. Proper technique commences, but with added scrub time, precise and vigorous, worked up to the elbows. Sometimes there is a repeat. Hands fly back up, and all hard surfaces are avoided after the wash. She waits for someone else to open the door, gets a foot in to hold it open, and ushers herself and her offspring out. I'm not suggesting this is the way to go, but we can all take something useful from the Surgeon. Maybe not up to the elbows though.

The Surgeon is spotted just as often as the next few, and that is comforting. If you identify with any of the following descriptions, however, you are disgusting - please don't touch me. Here we go:

The Defector: She comes out of the stall, walks to the sinks - but the laugh is on you: It's only to use the mirror! Yes, make sure that hair and lipstick is in place, Bacteria Betty. The age of the Defectors seems to vary, but they're usually in full makeup and coiffed hair. Interesting, no?

The Tiprinser. This is the person who busts out of the stall, beelines to the sink, and literally rinses only her fingertips, to the first knuckle, for 1-3 seconds. No soap. There is little, if any, rubbing together of the fingers. She may or may not dry them. She usually leaves very quickly, ready to spread the wealth. She's probably the one who left pee allover the seat. Tiprinsers tend to be youngish, generally 30 and under. She's basically like, "just the tip" but you know she's a dirty, dirty girl.

Tiprinser Variant: While clearly no time is invested in the washing, some Tiprinsers make up for it in the drying part. With all but 3 drops of water on their fingers, they use a disproportionate number of paper towels. Just yesterday I watched a T-Variant wave her hand in front of the touchless towel dispenser six times. SIX paper towels. She then most gently dabbed her fingers on her six-deep stack and flung them in the general area of the trash bin on her way out. Way to go, Sister Earth. Running late for your elephant poaching trip?

The Halfscrub: This person knows she's supposed to wash her hands, but seems utterly put out by it because she probably does everything half-assed. She's usually shifting a giant purse and a few shopping bags around. She arranges them all around her feet, sighs audibly, and proceeds to wash. Soap first (rookie move), followed by a couple seconds of rubbing around, and a quick rinse. Halfscrubs are usually wearing glasses. I'll have to do more research on this phenomena.

The Nocigar: This one gets close, but...hahaha. She thinks she's doing a good job: wet first, soap, scrub long enough, thorough rinse, dry. She almost has my silent approval, but where she inevitably fails are the details - after the wash, she handles the faucet levers, reintroducing everything she just washed off. She full-palms, bare-hands the door handle on her way out. No cigar for you, as you are about as clean as the Defector now, my friend. Side note - the term 'close but no cigar' comes from the use of cigars as prizes in 19th century carnival games. You are quite glad you've read this far, aren't you?

And finally:

The Onesider: This is a remarkable and more rare type. She only washes one hand. This leads us down a path, doesn't it? I'll leave it there.